My Most Personal Post Yet…

Hey everyone. I hope everyone is having a good day/evening. 

Today I wanted to bring something without an exact subject. Usually my posts have something that’s my point or message, and I try to get that across. This post is going to be a little different from that. I just want to talk…

Laying here in bed, I just got done hanging with a group of friends. We had a fun night of a little drinking and playing truth or dare…silly games like that. That should put me in a happy mood, but it hasn’t, not to the fault of my friends – they are great.

I’ve noticed lately that my mood has gotten really down. I feel like I’ve hit another low. Honestly, at times I find myself thinking that I don’t want to live anymore. That’s something I told a friend the other day is that I don’t want to live anymore, but I will for everyone else. 

That’s kind of a sad way to view things.

I’m depressed. I feel like my life isn’t worth living. But I’m at the point where I won’t do anything or hurt myself, because people want me here. And I know somewhere in me is this will to want to live, you know?

I try to pin point why I feel like this. Is it because I’m lonely? Possibly. Is it because I just want someone to love? Again, possibly. 

In fact, I know that last one is true. My entire life, I’ve been built up with the idea of sharing my life with someone. I’m at the age now where I want to share my life with someone. Make memories, watch stupid tv shows, etc. 

I’m just really down, right now. So what do you do to make yourself want to live again? To get that drive of “I love waking up every day.” 

I don’t know. I’m looking so hard for it while trying to act happy. It’s worked for me in the past. 

To be more honest, I hate how I look. And I know, “Scott you can change that.” I’ve heard it before. But it’s hard. I don’t have much motivation to live, let alone try and change myself into something that someone else might like. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m the one that has to change myself. No one changes for me. No one even tries to see it from my view. 

I do want to say that I’m not going to do anything stupid. There’s no need to get completely worried about me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate that people care. I appreciate that people want me to be here. 

But it’s hard to just see passed this dark light right now. I feel like I’m down and being kicked. I feel like anytime I’m almost getting ahead of things, life says no. 

I don’t know, though.

Why can’t someone love me for who I am? I used to really love myself, until I kept being shown that no one else can. 

Why do people choose other people who are like me? The only difference is I’m fat, they aren’t.

Why can’t anyone accept me for who I am right now? 

I don’t know.

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